The Iowa Caucus is at hand. And, with the joy of getting this thing the hell over with, comes the pain of goodbyes. So to the candidates who were voted off the island tonight, I offer the following:
Chris Dodd
Chris, you approved my favorite message of the campaign. You walked into an olde time barber shop and Opie Taylor jumps up and says “Hey, it’s Chris Dodd!” The deluded notion that a child of 13 could recognize any of the presidential candidates off the street, let alone one that is bound to finish just above Dennis Kucinich is what endeared you to me.
Next move: Tell me where you got your eyebrow transplant and depose Harry Reid as Senate Majority Leader.
Joe Biden
I sincerely believe you suffer from political Tourette’s. And I love it. You’re a brilliant politician with no internal censor and if this were a more honest country, you’d be president.
Next move: Anyone can be Senator from Delaware, hell you got elected when you were like 30 so it can’t be that hard. Your combination of humor and intelligence, however, is needed on television. I honestly think you should retire and host a talk show in Tucker Carlson’s MSNBC timeslot. It could be like Scarborough Country, only, you know, good.
Bill Richardson
How someone with such a long resume could lose so decidedly to lesser candidates is one of the mysteries of electoral politics. But let’s face it, the only reason you ran for president is because it’s like the only office you haven’t held yet. Being Hillary Clinton’s tag-team partner kind of made you look like a tool and telling Melissa Ethridge that she chose to be gay clinched it.
Next move: Frankly, you should have quit the presidential race five months ago and run for the open New Mexico Senate seat. You could have actually be useful in the Senate, by sticking it out in the presidential race, you’re just a loser.
Mike Gravel
Mike, no one really knew who you are or where you came from, and they probably still don’t. All I know is that at some point in your life, for some reason, you decided to move from Massachusetts to Alaska, and that tells me everything I need to know about you. In fact, that’s kind of a nifty metaphor for your entire career. Oh, and you actually ran for Vice President in 1972, which might be the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.
Next move: Please, please, please run against Ted Stevens. America needs a race between two certifiable coots in the most backwater state in the union.
Dennis Kucinich
Can you really lose if you never had any chance of winning? Apparently, yes.
Next move: You do realize that you’ve got like three primary opponents back in your congressional district, right? Go campaign, fucker. You’re actually of some use to someone in Congress.
Rudy Giuliani
Rudy, your story may go down as one of the weirdest in political history. A few months ago, you were the hands-down favorite, leading in every poll, raising a ton and money and winning the support of leading Republicans nationwide, and then all of a sudden you decide to sit out the first round of primaries. Sure, you’ve still got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination, but it really looks like you decided that winning was too hard and quit. Weird, for sure, but would a cross-dressing, cousin-loving, pro-choice, New York Republican have it any other way?
Next move: Figure out a way to hide from all the people who gave you a ton of money thinking you were actually serious about running for president and start chemo for the cancer you doctor must have just diagnosed you with.
John McCain
Believe it or not, the blog was actually founded on trashing you, back when your campaign mattered. Let’s face it, John: You’re the ex-girlfriend to the asshole guy that is the Republican Party. They knew the good thing they had in you, but they thought they could do better by playing the field. But after a bunch of empty flings, they find themselves in their mid thirties, alone, unemployed and still unable to find what they were looking for. So that’s when you got the booty call that is a decent showing in Iowa, and promise ahead in New Hampshire. But, like the ex-girlfriend, you’ve been down this road before, and so has your asshole suitor. It’s only a matter of time before they realize what they didn’t like about you to begin with. Better do this now and get it over with: John, we need to talk…
Next move: At 72, your next move may require the aid of a Rascal.
Duncan Hunter
Kudos for being the only Republican candidate to run this entire race and avoid being ripped on this blog. Now it’d be easy to chalk that up to the fact that you’re only slightly more of a presidential candidate than I am, but the real reason is from a response you gave during the YouTube debate. Some farmer asked if your immigration plan would allow him to continue to hire seasonal migrant workers to save money on picking fruit, and you said “No I think you should hire an American and pay a decent wage.” You earned immunity for that one.
Next move: Keep voting against free trade agreements and I’ll continue to ignore the fact that you were endorsed by Ann Coulter.
Fred Thompson
Last summer, you seemed really determined to prove me wrong for thinking the high point of your life was your appearance in 1988’s “Feds”, and for a while, before you actually announced, your candidacy promised to be the Special Victims Unit of Republican campaigns. But once you actually got in the race, and we found out you knew nothing about the issues, you sunk down to original Law and Order. Then your abortion of a television ad debuted, and you became the Criminal Intent of campaigns. Then it became apparent that you weren’t really interested in running at all, and you became the Conviction of campaigns. Then the votes were counted, and it turned out you had fallen so far, as to become the Trial by Jury of campaigns. Check that, more people watched Trial by Jury than actually voted for you.
Next move: Baby’s Day Out 2?
Ron Paul
Thank you for helping us estimate the percentage of our population with a mental illness.
Next move: Split the Republican electorate with a libertarian bid.
